Being an effective listener is one of the most important life skills you can master in order to advance your career, build a successful business and build meaningful relationships. Most people believe they are good listeners because they have been doing it their entire life, but mastering the skills of listening is about changing how you listen. When you REALLY listen, you demonstrate your interest in what is being said and you show your respect for the individual saying it. Listening is a magnetic force that draws people to us. Skillful listeners are confident in themselves and provide value to the conversation by the interaction, not by what they have to say.Have you ever talked to someone and noticed they were not really listening to you? How did it make you feel? Disrespected? Unimportant? Use that feedback and work hard to ensure that people never feel the same way when they talk with you. Challenge yourself to master the art of listening.In this article I will highlight 11 things I have learned and observed throughout my life and career. A masterful listener forms an instant bond with others and that immediate connection is created through genuine and sincere interest in others. It all starts with him being a good listener.
1. Start the Conversation
I am astounded at the people that wait for someone else to strike up a conversation. To be an active listener you must first engage someone in a conversation. Walk up to someone and introduce yourself. Begin the conversation. Another effective way is to insert yourself into a discussion that is already going. Begin by listening.
2. Ask Questions
The easiest way to start a conversation is to ask questions. The easiest was to keep a conversation going is to respond with questions. When you ask people questions during a conversation, you show a sincere interest in the topic. A powerful way is to ask how they FEEL about the subject they have raised. Most people operate at a feeling level, rather than a thinking level, even if they are logical thinkers.
3. Make Eye Contact
An essential step in being a good listener is to make eye contact with people while they are talking. Good eye contact demonstrates genuine interest in the person and the conversation. Please recognize this is not to be intense staring, but rather appropriate eye contact and appropriately looking away at times. try not to make it appear intentional, but rather sincere.
4. Use Open Body Language
Using body language and eye contact the right way can really have a positive impact on the speaker. To show you are listening and interested, lean slightly forward in your chair. Not so much that your elbows are on your knees, but enough so you aren’t reclined back on your chair. Be sure your arms are uncrossed. If standing, stand slightly at an angle to the speaker, not facing straight forward.
5. Be Present
I must admit I have been accused at times by my wife of not being present when she is talking even though I am looking into her eyes. At these times my mind is off thinking about something other than what she is talking about. Be aware of your thoughts. If you find yourself not present for a second or momentarily distracted apologize and ask them to repeat what they said or tell them you do not follow what they are saying.
6. Show NO Sign You are Ready to Respond
When you are actively listening, don’t give any clues that you are preparing to respond. Don’t point your finger, open your mouth, take a deep breath or change your facial expression as an indicator that you are ready to talk. When I talk to people and I see that they are anxiously waiting to respond, I know they are no longer listening because they are now concerned with crafting their response than with listening to what I am saying.
7. Pause Before Your Response
During a conversation, wait a few seconds after the person finishes speaking to allow them to finish their thought and get prepared to listen to you. This is a critical skill when talking on the phone, because you cannot see their facial expression. Often times, they are just pausing to gather their thoughts or take a breath and have not completed their entire thought. If you find yourself talking at the same time as someone else is talking, then use that opportunity to remind yourself of the importance of a pause. Often the most important information from a conversation comes after the pause.
8. Let Them Go First
If you start talking at the same time someone else is trying to finish their thought, STOP- say, “I’m sorry, please continue” and let them finish before responding. Even if what you have to say is an answer to the question they raised or is important, show them your respect by letting them finish, first.
9. Listen For The Unstated Message
Are you able to pick up on a person’s message that lies beneath their words. By listening intently, you will grasp the topic and move more effectively into the conversation. Most people are looking for encouragement, answers or insights to the subjects they discuss. By listening deeply and connecting with the other person, you will communicate more effectively.
10. Don’t Change The Subject
When engaged in a conversation, don’t change the subject until the discussion is completed. I observe people who do this all the time in small group settings, business networking and social situations. If you change the subject prematurely, you exhibit a lack of interest in the discussion (and the people) and indicate that what you have to say is of higher importance.
11. Save the Side Conversation
When you are part of a group conversation, never start a side conversation, even if the person talking is not making eye contact with you. If you find yourself bored with the conversation try harder to connect with the speaker. Your boredom is merely a symptom of your disconnection.At first appearance these tips seem so natural and common place. It would seem that these are easy to implement. But doing it consistently is the hard part. Being a good listener requires an intentional effort and above all, a sincere interest in other people. It is a skill worthy of mastering. Listening is a skill that garners respect and respected people are successful.I am committed to working on being a better listener. Will you commit to showing you care about people by incorporating these eleven tips into your daily routine? On a scale of 1-10, what’s your commitment?
Losing on the other hand exposes many opportunities for improvement. The overwhelming feedback that winning provides is that I am better than the other person. My evaluation usually stops there. Losing causes me to examine so much more. What did I do well? What did I do horrible? What can I do next time to improve. What were the weaknesses in their game that I can better exploit next game. Losing creates a new passion inside me to succeed next game.The fear of failure is ingrained in us at an early age. We become afraid of the potential negative instead of the reward of the potential gain. On a walk yesterday with my 4 year old I observed this practice. He was walking along a ledge that was beside the sidewalk. There was a step up in the ledge, about 4 inches. The ledge was now about 4 feet from the sidewalk (on the other side was rocks and they were about two feet down. My son froze. All he could see was the four feet he would fall. When I asked him about this, he said he was afraid of falling. When I asked him why he wasn’t afraid of falling before the step up, he replied ” I just wasn’t thinking about falling then.”How often does this play a role in your life? How often, after a little change or variation in your plan, do you only see the possible negative outcome? How does this affect your results?This is why it is critical that you understand that only through failure, will you find success. The faster you experience failure, the faster you will discover the lessons for success. Leadership expert Robin Sharma shares that “the more you go to your limits, the more your limits will expand…The fears you don’t face become your walls.” In his book the Leader Who Had No Title one of the main characters, a ski instructor, points out that “tough runs build better skiers.”Why does understanding this principle help to overcome the fear of failure? Basically, there is a shift in perception on the value of failure. Stop associating failure with no value or negative value. Create the paradigm shift that failure is a benefit, that it is the accelerant so that you can succeed faster. By changing this value the fear of failure is reduced. The power is placed on the correct purpose.
