Living the Solution

I discovered an amazing teacher that has taught me to look at how I view the world and how I engage every aspect of it. Now, like most of my learning, the lessons I learn rarely become evident as my teacher is speaking, but rather after I have had time to process what I have learned.I have only known my teacher for about 3 1/2 years.  And after years of formal education, countless seminars & workshops and hundreds of books, I have found my greatest professor when I wasn’t even looking. I was infatuated with him when we first met. He wasn’t so sure of me.  He was very quiet, taking in each moment of our time together.  Even though he didn’t talk much, his simple wisdom was difficult to misunderstand.  He took his time giving me my first life lesson: We each need each other.Simple.  To the point.  Easily missed in the hustle of our everyday lives, especially in this day of texting, emailing, and tele-commuting.  But this basic lesson is important to understand as foundational to all his other lessons.  WE EACH NEED EACH OTHER!Part two of this first lesson is about application.  My teacher began to show me that we each need each other by the simple gesture of a smile. Looking someone in the eyes and smiling quickly reminds a person that we need each other.  It also taught me that a smile can change the world. Wayne Dyer stated, “When we change how we look at the world, the world changes.” A sincere smile can change how we look at the world. It changes our affect, which changes our effect.Now after 3 1/2 years, my lessons are more frequent and my conditioning has made me more aware.  Even though we do not spend as much time together as we once did, the lessons are more obvious-if I take the time to watch and learn from him.

1. Arise early, start the day with a fresh attitude and a morning routine.
2. Life is meant to be filled with action, not sitting to read the newspaper or watching TV.
3. A kiss has magical powers.
4. Ask lots of questions.
5. It is OK to toot your own horn.  Celebrate your accomplishments and share them with others.
6. Have heroes. It is important to have people with strong character to look up to.
7. Believe in miracles.
8. Express authentic emotions. When you are happy-be happy and dance and cheer. When you are sad, cry and asked to be held. When you are angry, yell and scream to let it out.
9. Say I love you. Say I am sorry. Say thank you. These statements are powerful to the people you say them to, but more importantly, they are empowering to your spirit’s well being. Love, Forgiveness and Gratitude.
10. Read positive stories that allow your mind to create powerful lessons and visions, especially before bed.

As you can see his simple lessons are all about getting back to basics. As we grow older it seems most of us clutter our lives and complicate things. We believe that buying things will lead to happiness or a better life-WRONG. Instead these same items actually rob us of a small portion of our life.  What are the basics for you to have a happy life? Friends? Family? Income? Love? Travel? Figure out the “things” that may be weighing you down and simplify.  Back to basics.As I stated in the beginning, a culmination of my teachings so far have led to a better understanding of perspective, how I view the world. As the Wayne Dyer quote speaks to, we must become aware of the lens through which we see the world. And if we take time to change that lens, our reality of our experiences changes. My guru of life’s lessons have not come from a man of many years, the type of mentor I have wished for, but rather from my 3 1/2 year old son, Jackson.Jackson has helped me reverse my perception of roles and preset assumptions.  He has helped me realize that broadening my awareness and not trying to fit my reality into my own expectations, opens many more opportunities, and many more classrooms. Jackson has shown me that By learning you will teach and by teaching you will learn.

A master can tell you what he expects of you. A teacher, though awakens your own expectations. ~Patricia Neal

I have had several discussions in the past week regarding communicating expectations.  An essential to good communication and relationships is knowing what your expected or desired outcome of a situation is and communicating that to those people involved, whether they are co-workers, a spouse, children or complete strangers. First you must realize what your expectations are.  What is your expected outcome?  What do you hope to achieve?  

Before you communicate expectations to anyone else you must know yourself. That means you must take the time to have a “conversation” with yourself. This step covers the “what” of your expectations. Think about the relevant situation or event. Think about what you want to achieve as a result. Use that information and record it in as much detail so can communicate your message clearly to someone else. Write it down if you have to, but make sure you know in vivid detail what you want.

Too often people are frustrated or angry when things don’t go as planned.  Parents snap at their children because of inappropriate behaviors in restaurants or formal social settings.  I will ask, “Did you tell them your expectations before you got there?”  The response I here the most frequently is “They know what I expect.”  Do you ever ask the person you are communicating with if they clearly understand what you expect?  I’ll bet you don’t.  Do you know the expectations others have of you?  Do you ever ask? 

Every situation we enter, each individual involved has their own expectations. They have expectations of the others involved, they have expectations of the desired results from the others involved, and they have their own base of expectations of themselves.  But these thoughts and feeling are rarely communicated. Yet they can drastically affect our impression of a situation. 

I will start most coaching conversations, classes, and workshops I have with asking what the participants expectations are.  Then I explain what my expectations are of them.  I believe in getting it out on the table right away.  When I notice my 3 year old is not doing what I would like him to do I will ask him, “What are you supposed to be doing?” I find out that I get less frustrated when he is unclear on his expectations.  So I start there and we discuss what he thinks he should be doing.  And I correct or agree with accordingly. Then we can create a plan.

This type of clarification needs to happen in all aspects of our lives. We all are different. We do the same things, but have different desired outcomes or purposes for doing things.  Men and women both go shopping.  Men go to buy a particular item.  We go find the item, we buy the item. For men it is about the kill. Women go shopping for the experience. Women enjoy the hunt. Same activity, way different expectations.

Managing expectations - yours and those of others - is an important part of our every day life. Defining expectations with your children, spouse, boss, yourself, co-workers and customers/ clients will lead to a greater satisfaction and productivity. Understanding the most effective ways to communicate your expectations, and to understand those of others, is the best solution for overall success in any endeavor or relationship.