Living the Solution

Have you ever heard somebody blame somebody else for how they are feeling?  “She keeps pushing my buttons.”  “I am pissed off cuz this guy totally cut me off and made me spill my coffee.”  Do you ever hear things like that from the people around you?  Or worse, do you ever say or think things like this? 

Nothing has any power except the power you give it.  Nobody has the power to make you happy, sad, angry or excited unless you allow them to have that power.  Take responsibility for your feelings- 100% responsibility. Take responsibility for your blaming of other people.  Making somebody else at fault for how YOU feel is giving away your power, the power to control your life and your outcomes.  Taking full responsibility for how you feel is claiming that power-getting it back.

The idea that someone can push your buttons is somewhat comical to me.  I often ask what buttons?  People walk around believing that they were born with “buttons” that when pushed allow them or make them feel a certain way.  NEWSFLASH: You created the buttons.  If you want someone to stop pushing the buttons spend more time eliminating the buttons and less time blaming them for pushing them. 

Blaming leads to a very destructive belief, believing that you are a victim.  If you tend to justify, complain and blame chances are you believe you are a victim.   Justification, complaining and blame are used to alleviate pain – the pain of failure.  Think about it, if a person was not failing in some way in their life would they need to complain, justify or blame?  Take a moment to recognize if you exhibit victim behaviors.  Is your business suffering because of the economy? Is your relationship struggling because your spouse doesn’t put in any effort?  Do you feel tired and irritable because you had to deal with customers all day? 

If you answered yes to any or all of the above questions you may be acting the victim role and it is very difficult to a happy & successful victim.  Become aware of how often you play the victim.  Become aware of how often your self-talk and thoughts confirm your victim beliefs.  Then begin to change it.

Exercise:  As you journal at the end of the day, write down a few things that went really well today.  Then ask yourself “ What did I do to create each of these outcomes/ situations? Write down your answer. Do that for each positive.  Now right down one thing that did not go well.  And ask yourself “ What did I do to create that outcome/ situation?  What did I learn from this situation? What can I do differently in the future to create a better outcome? Write down your answers.

This exercise will help you to become accountable for your life.  You will begin to see clearly how you control the outcomes in your daily life and in your life long-term.  This exercise will help you to become aware of the strategies that are working in you life (the ones getting you closer to your goals) and the ones that are not.

This morning I spent some time meeting new people and talking with other business owners.

I am reading the book The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz and came across a very common theme for success books: spend time with other people.  I rearranged my morning schedule so I could attend my local chamber’s business before hours. I did this to intentionally meet new members that I do not normally see.  And I was successful.

You see in order to grow your business and your opportunities you need to get out and meet new people. You also need to stay connected to your existing network.  Life and business really is about relationships.

So, figure out right now how you are going to get out there this week and get it into your schedule.

My job as a coach is to ask powerful questions. I’ve discovered that asking the right question is probably the most critical skill you can have when coaching clients. We often push ourselves into confusion and despair…and can’t figure a way out of the “mental clutter” we’re in because we’re asking ourselves too many WRONG questions.

The reason you’re not achieving more, you are not getting closer to your goals, don’t feel fulfilled, and aren’t having the time of your life is simply because you have yet to ask yourself the right questions.  Asking yourself the right questions and implementing–that is taking action on– your answers is the key factor in creating the outcomes you want in your life.

Following are 6 powerful questions to start you off…

What do you value most in life?

You can have everything you want in life. The problem is, many people never get clear on what they really care about and value in their life. So even when they get it –whatever “it” may be–they still feel empty, like something’s missing. For example, one of my big values is FAMILY. I’m have been asked to join training companies that train all over the country and to participate in multi-city seminars, etc. And people don’t understand why I choose to turn most of those offers down. But to me, having to fly around the country, sleeping in hotels and not getting to kiss my wife and son goodnight, doesn’t honor my value of FAMILY. In fact that is a big reason why I stepped down from Vice President of Certified Coaches Federation.  You will only be happy and fulfilled when you are absolutely clear on what you value and are certain those values are being honored by the decisions and actions you take in your life.

What motivates you in life right now?

Why do you get up in the morning? What wakes you up right before your alarm, with a smile in your heart? What is worth getting out of bed for? Is it your spouse or your children? Is it because you love your job and can’t wait to get going on your day? What is that makes life worth living for you TODAY?

If you don’t know the answer to that question, it’s pretty hard to get up and going. In fact it might even be hard to fall asleep or stay asleep.  What are you grateful for right now? It’s easy to get down in the dumps about things that are going wrong. What’s going right? What are you grateful for? Life is not all about the haves and have-nots. Research reveals a more nuanced approach: Individuals who want what they have tend to be more motivated toward life than others.

What is currently preventing you from reaching this particular goal?

You set goals. You know where you want to be in 30 days, 90 days, 1 year, and 5 years from now. What is keeping you from reaching those goals? Take time to analyze the true problem.  If you’re like me, you’ve probably set similar goals before…and you didn’t reach them. You might have become frustrated and set the same goal again and again.

What is it that is keeping you from reaching your goal? By taking an objective approach (and you might need the aid of an accountability partner or a coach here) discover the real obstacle preventing you from achieving your goal. Then set a plan on how to overcome this obstacle step by step.

What can you eliminate in your life to help you reach your goal this time? Often it is excess baggage that is standing in our way.

What are you tolerating right now in your life? Are you holding on to something you need to let go of?

By figuring out the things you are currently tolerating in your life, you can often ”release the brake”.  By this I mean that too often we are taking the right steps and engaging the motivation in our lives, but we also have one foot firmly pushed down on the brake. By letting go of the things we are tolerating in our lives, and letting go of the emotional baggage we need to release, we also release the brakes.

Many times we are unable to take positive action because we can’t let go of the past. Forget the past; the only way it can haunt the future is if you let it.

What are you currently tolerating in your life? This includes anything you “put up with,” things that zap your energy, and compromises you’ve talked yourself into. People are only motivated in life through pain and pleasure. We either take action to avoid pain or to move us toward experiencing pleasure. What is causing pain in your life right now?

Make a list. Then develop a simple plan of eliminating each item you’re tolerating from your life that is on that list. DON’T WAIT. MAKE YOUR LIST NOW.

What are you willing to do in the next 30 days?

This is a big one.  Notice I didn’t ask “what CAN you do?” I asked “What are you WILLING to do?

What is the plan? I’ve learned to change from simply giving people a plan to follow– to asking what are you WILLING to do? Then develop a plan from there. Who cares if you buy a step-by-step system of success if you’re not willing to do 50% of the steps? It WON’T work. Could you imagine setting out to bake a cake but only following half of the recipe’s instructions. You’ll have a mess…not a cake.

If you keep doing what you’ve always been doing, THE RESULTS WILL REMAIN THE SAME.  What actions are you willing to take over the next 30 days to reach your goal? This leads into the next powerful question…

What will you do today to move you closer to your desired outcome?

When you know what you want in life and what you value most, and after you have discovered the things that are holding you back, then the next step is to commit your time to activities and areas that will move you CLOSER to what you want. There are just 24 hours in a day. Don’t waste your time on things that don’t matter or even worse-on negative thinking, negative speaking and actions that move you further away from the life you desire.

Make every moment count. Create a measuring stick in your mind that you use to determine how much time, effort and energy you will invest into anything–and base it on whether or not it’s honoring your values and moving you closer to your desired outcomes.

As easy as this sounds, this is the challenge. There are many strong habits that have already been established in your life. TV, Facebook, video games, friends, unexpected visitors, romance novels, texting, etc., etc., the list goes on forever. When you find yourself engaging in an activity that is not moving you closer to your goals and desired outcomes ask yourself this:

“What can I do right now that will take me in a positive direction to the results I want?”

One last note on how to use these questions. Many times clients have shared that they have asked themselves these questions, but they never followed through on the application of the answers. I have been there too.  A secret hidden power is to discuss these questions and answers out loud. Then write out the answers.  Taking thoughts and ideas and putting them into spoken words and spoken commitments, followed by writing them out gives them a powerful energy.

REMEMBER: If you want different outcomes from what you have been getting you must take different, more focused action.  If you normally read something like this and say you will do it later-THAT HAS NOT BEEN WORKING. Take different action and do it right now.

YouTube - Lost Generation

Did you know you are born with the secret knowledge to achieve ultimate success and satisfaction in your life?  People spend millions of dollars each year searching for this “secret” and we are all born with it.  The problem is we get so good at at, that we forget it after a few years.

A year or more ago I stumbled across a cleaning blog, that spoke about breaking up really big challenges, like cleaning up a filthy kitchen, into 10 - 15 minutes a day. That is how I conquer the stacks of papers on my desk. 10 minutes here to organize business cards. 10 minutes before lunch to file away clients folders. Breaking up what would otherwise seem like an overwhelming task into 10 minute segments over a series of days, takes away the FEAR and prevents PROCRASTINATION.  

Now I realize that this has become a common life hack, but at the time I read it, I still wasn’t applying it to my life. Now I apply this strategy in all areas of my life. I mow the front yard a different day than the back yard. I rarely ever vacuum the entire house in one given day.  Reading, journaling, writing old friends– all these have become enjoyable again.  Conquering miniature tasks on a daily basis is way more manageable.  And accomplishing little things can make a huge impact over time. If you were to improve just .003 each day- that’s only 3/10 of one percent, a very minor improvement, but if  you kept that up for the next five years, here’s what would happen to you:

The first year, you would improve 100 percent (you would already be twice the person you are today. By the completion of year two, you would improve 200 percent. The third year, 400 percent. And in the end of the fourth, 800 percent. AND BY THE COMPLETION OF YEAR FIVE-by simply improving 3/10 of one percent each day-you will have INCREASED your value, your skills, and the results you accomplished 1,600 percent. That’s 22 times BETTER than you are today.  That doesn’t even take into consideration compounding. That’s just adding on 3/10 of one percent each day. WOW! This is the concept behind Jeff Olson’s The  Slight Edge.

If you have had the distinct pleasure of watching a child learn to walk, you know that it doesn’t usually happen in a weekend. First there is crawling, then they begin to pull themselves up, next is cruising–moving from one piece of furniture to the next for support and mixed in all these steps is lots of falling. In the process of learning how to walk, you probably spent more time failing than you did succeeding. But did you ever have the thought of quitting? Did you ever tell yourself, “I’m just not cut out for walking-I guess I’ll crawl for the rest of my life?” No, of course you didn’t. So, why do you do that now?

Why are your goals today any different? What’s changed? When did you lose the ability to set a goal, go for it, and achieve it? How come you don’t do what you did when you were one or two years old?

The answer is quite simple:

Somewhere along the way in your life, you became unwilling to take baby steps and you became afraid to fall, afraid to fail. You lost belief in the basic truth that the simple little disciplines done again and again over time would create the desired success. The people around you became more jaded and less supportive.  You came to expect immediate results.  You forgot “the secret” you were born with.

Stop seeking immediate results and start taking baby steps again.  Find small ways to make improvements in your life.  Do it daily. Remember that small improvements daily, a mere 3 tenths of one percent, can add up. 10 minutes each day toward your goals will add up.

You see the “secret” you were born with is that you are capable of amazing feats.  You were born with the ability to set goals and the basic hardware to achieve them — all of them, if you are willing to cast fear aside and are willing to fail several times before you get there.  Failing is merely a part of the baby steps. You must crawl before you walk, and you must persevere through all the falling, before you walk on your own.  And soon after you walk you will run and jump.